F R I D A Y,     J U L Y   7,    2 0 0 6

-- Weekly "Below the Beltway" Issue" Edition --

T H E     R E A L    E S T A T E    C E N T E R

Floundering at the Fishwrap
     Over at the Morning Fishwrap, Metro Mole says staffers can't stop snickering at the memo the invisible editor-in-chief sent out last week, in one of those rare moments he wasn't hiding from Skaggie Maggie under his desk.

     Maybe it explains why the Fishwrap flounders under his tenure, despite the phony numbers:

     All that gloom and doom about newspaper's (not how you form a plural in standard English) losing readers?

     Not in Cincinnati.

     May numbers show The Morning Fishwrap #1 in Gannett in circulation performance....and I bet at or near the top of all newspapers in the nation.

     In May we were up 4.6%

     Daily, year to date:
     This year: 200,313
     Last year: 192,265
     Gain: 2.5%


     (No, Dumbshit, that's a 4.18% increase)

     Sunday:      This year: 292,691
     Last year: 294,107
     That's down .05 percent but Sunday's a real national trend (that's why we launched the new local section in June) and we are holding in their better than most.

(No, Dumbshit, check with a third-grader. That's a 0.5% decrease.)

     Does anybody think they're not cooking the books? There's no way the Fishwrap isn't floundering.

     Remember when our invisible editor-in-chief wrote a memo to staff praising tight writing: "Every word counts?"

     Next time he decides to puke up some words of wisdom, maybe he should go over to Head First and have a couple shots and beers while a real editor proofreads his drivel.

     In Columbus, Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says “TaxKiller Tom" Brinkman's redistricting plan that would cause Mean Jean Schmidt to lose her Clermont County base to House Majority Leader Boehner (shown in Wednesday's Blower) is getting wide support.

     Also in Columbus, when you see the name Arnold Pinkney in connection with DemocRAT politics in Ohio (where they can't say enough about sleazy GOP politicians these days) do any of our news nerds recall that Pinkney just might have a skeleton of his own in the closet, like a conviction for his unlawful interest in a public contract (which most people call graft)?

     Our City of Wyoming Snitch (probably not Assistant City Solicitor Joe "Mr. Don't Know It All" Braun) says Artis Conception's award-winning illustration of "Doc" Savage versus the evil Judge Meddel is proudly displayed on the bulletin board in Wyoming City Hall.

     Actually, we'd be surprised if it wasn't. Now let's see where today's classic "Heimlich Maneuver" illustration gets posted.

              

     Our Paul Reveres on Motorcycles on their way directly from Denver to warn us about the illegal alien invasion will be in Madison, Wisconsin for a rally at noon today. Locally, Bobby Leach says, "While it's a good idea to learn a foreign language, and it's good to be multilingual, it's even better to be cunnilingual."

     With only 78 more days till the 50th Reunion, many members of the Forrest Gump High School Class of 1956 are now trying to find some record of the Class Prophecy, which ironically was, as we recall: "In 2006, nobody will remember what they did with the Class Prophecy."

     Stop the presses: We just got an e-mail from Blue Chip Young Republican heartthrob Christa Criddle, telling us all about the Springfield Township Cornhole Contest on August 19. Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis can hardly wait.


Bluegrass Blasts

     Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says Round Two of the Northern Kentucky July 4th Republican Parades concluded Tuesday afternoon and went out with a bang. Even Governor Ernest "Gone From Frankfort" buzzed up for the occassion.

     Maybe we should come up with a name for Goof Doofus. We could call him "Chopper Davis" after he caused a panic when his black hawk helicopter dropped down on the Beechwood High School baseball field to pick up him and his lovely wife after the Ft. Mitchell parade. Editors at Doubleday publishing are working on a new storybook about Chopper's life - it's titled "Rags to Riches, a poor Canadian Boy Story."

    Check out these exclusive Whistleblower photos.

                

    Chopper was overheard yelling at a young DemocRAT: "I am the only tactical aviator in this race!" Also, Chopper told the Ft. Mitchell Barney Fife Patrol "thanks for letting me use the baseball field as an LV" (is this guy a geek or what?) Now we know what Chopper Davis is doing with all his DeLay money: he's spending it on toy helicopters.

    Meanwhile, the little candidates who drove to the parade in their own cars, marched along and didn't require police escorts or riot gear to protect them.

    Joan "the Cookie Baking Betty Crocker" Davidson PVA candidate baked more cookies for the parades. This time they were fortune cookies with "Vote for Betty" on each fortune inside.

    Michael Liquid Plummer came out of hiding to help his buddy, Rodney the Crazy Evangelist. Note to Michael: Driving Rodney in a baby blue Jaguar and giving out Vodka coolers probably doesn't help get votes.

    DUI Judge candidate, Dan Zalla's campaign staff held a celebration at their campaign headquarters in Ft. Mitchell after the parade. A room is being remodeling in the Saddle Club to allow the candidate a meeting room. Just think, bargain beers and campaign space all in one building.

    After feeling the heat from the Blower's July 1st special campaign edition, Scott "Pass the Biscuits" Kimmich decided to walk the Ft. Mitchell parade instead of riding in his oversized van. One parade watcher was overheard saying "Isn't that Pappy O'Daniel Flour Hour Biscuit man Scott Kimmich?"

    Madam No W-2 Koening got the day off at Wal-mart to be in the parades. He drove a small pick-up truck and had two walkers with him.


Stories We're Working On
Enron CEO Ken Lay found a way to take it with him
Girly Man Mayor’s romantic Ft. Lauderdale getaway
TV 19 still calling it the Warren Beatty trial
July 4 Parade in Anderson will be over soon
Big-shot local investors still looking for another bridge to buy
Swimming still banned in Licking River
Miss Vicki's new TV show



Whistleblower Web Poll
     This week, here’s who the first 17,648 Whistleblower Readers Poll respondents said most Americans blamed when gasoline prices went over $3-per-gallon:
(A) Greedy oil producers: 2%
(B) Even Greedier gasoline retailers like Kroger's: 1%
(C) SUVs: 1%
(D) Congress: 96%


Note: Everything we write doesn't have to be so mean-spirited, it's just so much more fun that way!



Political Proctology
    Today we hear from some MainStrasse Moderates: "Enough is Enough! As much BS as the "source in MainStrasse" has sent the Blower lately (including the daily Blower bash of Jerry Bamberger), we're surprised our e-mail boxes don't Smell. Folks... you lost the election. (yep, they're still bitching at how the neighbors and businesses actually concerned with MainStrasse voted the six of them out in NOVEMBER 2005). A small group.... LOUD MOUTHS.

     "Jerry Bamberger is easily the most visible, reachable, and plain talking Commissioner in office. As the Director of the MSVA (remember the Commission is only a part time gig here.. as it should be) he's done a fantastic job. The marketing, budget, and profits are at a record, as are donations to charities in the area. Projects are getting done... the MSVA Board is actually working together but unlike the previous Board, it admits there is more to do. Thanks to MSVA and joint projects with the City, the Village looks better than ever.... the 6th Street Promenade actually looks like a Park again... Hell, even the damn Bell Tower, that was sitting there broken for 3 years, is working again!

    "The same people spoke at a recent Commission meeting demanding that the City of Covington award them and only them all of the parking spaces on 6th Street. That's fair. How about Bakewell St.? East of Main? How about we just assign everyone in the City a private space? Funny how some of the hypocritical signers of that petition (numbering a whopping 10!) own four-car garages behind their house but still want Resident spaces in front. It's not about parking. it’s about not being in power. Go ahead and sell your house for the 50% increase in value since you moved in and move to a suburb, we'll help you pack."

    At a Board of Revulsion Hearing
    You will get just what you are fearing;
    With the greatest of ease,
    They'll reject all your pleas,
    And you'll feel like you've just got a rearing.

    The first line of next week's limerick is:
    "Have the Reds ever heard of a bull pen?"

BOARD OF REVULSION HOT LINE e-mail your horror stories to whistleblower@cinci.rr.com

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