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 Real e-Mails From Real Subscribers
 "In Russ We Trust" Jackson, "TaxKiller Tom" Brinkman, and the folks in Anderson are still making me feel most unwelcome. Not only did they ask Congressman Bob McEwen to be the grand Marshal of the Fourth of July Parade, but protesters will surely be calling me a "lying bitch" and none of the Real Republicans want to be anywhere near me. --Mean Jean Schmidt
Make sure you see us at the Anderson Parade. The guys will be sponsored by the Scooter Store and the "girls" will be following behind with their walkers. --Forrest Gump High School Class of 1956
 In a practice lap, the County Auditor's Re-appraisal Pace Car did the entire parade route in under 11 seconds. --Hamilton County Board of Revulsion
Everybody's invited to my free chitlins and ribs party for John Boy Cranley on Friday. -- Stevecia Reece
Thanks to only 487 reminders from The Blower, I now have a campaign website. -- Steve Chabothead
Black people can't swim. -- The Rich, Pasty-white, God-fearing Privileged People of Wyoming
Just because my Official 2006 Whistleblower/ Downtown Clown-cil Murder Count keeps climbing doesn't mean I can't jet away with my "special friend" on a romantic vacation to Ft. Lauderdale, where the movie "Where the Boys Are" was made. --Cincinnati Girly Man Mayor Mark Mallory
We marched with soldiers in last year's Northside Gay Fourth of July Parade and waved signs that said, "Never Leave Your Buddies Behind." --Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis
Did you see us? We were there too. --The Green Pepper and Gayto
When is the Fourth of July Parade like St. Patrick's Day? When you see Erin go bra-less!
-- Bobby Leach
Imagine having fireworks pollute the air at our All American Birthday and Cleaner Air Celebration at Sawyer Point. --The OKI Clean Air Committee
You can't imagine how many stupid people you can get to pay $20 to sit on their ass in the grass and watch our crappy Fourth of July fireworks next door at Coney Island. --Riverbend
Standing in my back yard watching fireflies while all my neighbors shoot off illegal fireworks would be a lot cheaper. –Bill Brayshaw
We're filing suit to make sure the "Declaration of Independence" is always translated into Spanish. -- Illegal Aliens Association
We're filing suit to make sure the "Star Spangled Banner" isn't sung on the next Fourth of July. --The ACLU
Because of the continuing Exodus of people from the Cincinnati area every day, politicians need fewer votes to be re-elected. --The Census Bureau
Imagine having a national holiday just to honor our city. --Citizens of Independence
Please don't ask who paid for the helicopter I used to arrive at Saturday's parade. --Goof Doofus
Remember two years ago when they even invited me to be in their parade? –The Still Unincarcerated Governor Ernest
If everybody gets a day off to celebrate the founding of Independence, how about us? We brought you Wilder women. --Citizens of Wilder
Independence Day is a bit of an oxymoron at our place. --Terry "The Smiling Jailer" Carl
Everybody should get a paid holiday on the first day of rabbit season. --Citizens of Rabbit Hash
That's somewhere in the Fourth District, right? --Safari Ken Lucas
No, Rabbit Hash is a famous Bluegrass recipe. --Clueless Marc Wilson
It’s a good thing my losing baseball team is on a road trip on the holiday, since no one will notice all the money I blew promoting my crappy baseball team and don’t have any left for the fireworks we always had. – Mayor Blondie Whalen
Forget the parades. Forget the fireworks. What we want to see is more women's beach volleyball. --Horny in Hebron
Forget baseball. Forget NASCAR. What do you think it would take to sponsor a women's beach volleyball league in Covington? --Vice Mayor Rob "Lt. Colonel" Sanders
We could use strippers. --Ouday Edmondson
Can we play too? --Lesbians in Latonia
Wait till you hear who had too much to drink at our Fourth of July Party. --Ft. Mitchell Country Club
Please don't tell Patsy Crowley, but I taped my first ICRC Network TV Show last night. --Miss Vicki
Fourth of July Parades just aren't the same without the Erpenbeck Family on the lead float.
-- Vanilla Hills Vigilantes
They should run more Fireworks Safety Ads on TV. --"Three Fingers" Finnegan
Due to a recent error, our graphics in a recent Whistleblower were shown to have originated from a random subscriber, rather than the actual source. We regret the error. --Yahoo
Last week when we said we couldn't think of anything stupid to say, it was probably because Trish “The Dish” was off. --TV 19
 The reason for some people's entire existence is to whine about having their feelings hurt, and we're doing our best to accommodate them.
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 Disclaimer: This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental,
especially "Senator Bitch McConnell,"
who, if he’d voted the way he promised, we would’ve had enough votes to outlaw burning the American flag.
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